“You can be doing fine at noon and missing them terribly by dinner.”

Grief is strange like that.

One minute, you are laughing at something on television, answering messages, folding clothes, handling business like everything is normal.

Then a song comes on.

A smell passes by.

A memory shows up out of nowhere.

And suddenly, your heart remembers what your mind had managed to set down for a little while.

That is grief.

It does not ask what day it is.

It does not care how many months or years have passed.

It does not look at the calendar and say, “Well, you should be over this by now.”

And neither should you.

When you lose someone you deeply love, especially a spouse or someone who was woven into your everyday life, you are not only grieving the person.

You may also be grieving routines.

Conversations.

Inside jokes.

Future plans.

The sound of them walking through the house.

The person you used to be when they were still here.

That kind of loss does not disappear because enough time passed.

You simply learn how to carry it differently.

Some days, you may carry it lightly.

Other days, it may sit heavy on your chest.

Both days are allowed.

Please do not judge yourself for having a hard moment after you thought you were doing better.

That hard moment does not erase your healing.

Crying does not mean you went backward.

Missing them does not mean you are stuck.

And finding joy again does not mean you forgot them.

You are allowed to laugh.

You are allowed to build a new life.

You are allowed to enjoy things without feeling guilty.

You are also allowed to have a day when you just miss them.

Sometimes healing means making room for both.

Grief and gratitude.

Sadness and laughter.

Memory and new beginnings.

Love and loss can live in the same heart.

And baby, nobody gets to put a deadline on that.

So if today is one of those days when a memory caught you off guard, be gentle with yourself.

Take the moment.

Say their name if you want to.

Cry if you need to.

Smile if the memory makes you smile.

Then keep going when you are ready.

Grief does not follow a calendar, and healing does not require you to forget. It simply teaches you how to keep living while carrying love in a different way.

If this met you where you are today, share it with someone who is learning how to live with loss.

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Be gentle with yourself today. Some days surviving the memory is enough.

— Kashmere Koko